2023 Reflections: Navigating AI, Dating, and Womanhood
A late twenties’ journey of self-discovery and the unwavering pursuit of it all
--
“And I was a woman in a male-dominated field so consistently symbolized by the now archetypal image of ‘guys in hoodies’ that the phrase had lost any trace of irony. After so many years spent wondering whether I belonged — anywhere, really — [this place] seemed like an unlikely place to let down my guard.” — Dr. Fei-Fei Li in her autobiography, The Worlds I See.
That place, to me, was the Bay Area.
Growing up in Indonesia, where engineering is not traditionally seen as a path for women, I never really considered a career in the field despite being a girl who loved math (particularly algebra and calculus). It wasn’t until I came to the States for college that I even entertained the idea. Even a decade later, with two engineering degrees and years of technical work under my belt, I still grappled with the question of whether I belonged in the tech industry. Then, three years ago, a pivotal moment in my career happened following a conversation with the Voice of America radio network, where I shared my journey as a female engineer working on Tesla’s Full-Self Driving (FSD) feature.
The overwhelmingly positive responses and heartfelt emails received in the subsequent weeks and months, expressing how my story inspired others, moved me profoundly. Since then, paving the way for girls and minorities in STEM has been quite of a northstar. Working in autonomous vehicles not only allows me to embrace this mission, but I also found it super fun and intellectually stimulating. More than anything though, what primarily motivated me was the impact it has on humanity: safety, sustainability, and the future of AI and robotics.
AI is volatile, but promising
When I joined Cruise in late 2021, our company was still in R&D mode. Just a few weeks later, we were on the verge of releasing the shadow driverless feature, testing it on a couple of blocks in San Francisco during sleeping hours (pictured here with my coworker Tom and our excited faces). Fast forward to a year later, we officially launched our driverless robotaxi fleet in San Francisco, across all neighborhoods, day and night. By the end of 2022, we expanded rapidly, deploying our production software in multiple states, covering California, Arizona, and Texas.
The pace was rapid, with employee numbers nearly doubling from around 2k in 2021 to almost 4k in just two years. Running at this pace as a company allowed us to not only scale our fleet to hundreds more, but also secure a permit this summer from the US Department of Motor Vehicles and California Public Utilities Commission (CPUC) to commercialize our fleet, making us the world’s first autonomous vehicle company — along with Waymo — to publicly offer paid robotaxi services 24/7. Tons of hard work seemed to have paid off, and I was happy to be part of a small team who pushed the boundaries of machine intelligence to achieve such a historical milestone.
Well, that feeling didn’t last forever. A couple months later, we faced the suspension of our service due to a terrible accident. How do I feel about all the recent news, you might ask? It feels like we took one step forward and then two steps backward, a stark reminder of the uncertainties accompanying any new technological advances.
A core value I’ve learned and built throughout my experience in the field of autonomous systems is that transparency is as imperative as safety. It is the foundation that allows for explainability and builds trust in the product, whether at an industry level, within a company, or even on an individual basis. Unfortunately, not everyone acknowledges the importance of this principle.
A notable incident involving self-driving technology that we could learn from occurred in March 2018, when an Uber self-driving car killed a pedestrian in Arizona. The incident raised concerns about the safety of autonomous vehicles and also prompted a temporary halt to Uber’s self-driving tests. In the aftermath, the autonomous vehicle industry, policymakers, and companies involved took significant steps to address safety issues.
Historical lessons teach us that severe incidents, or in machine learning known as ‘false negative scenarios’, inevitably trigger a reassessment of safety protocols, foster industry collaboration, and push the technology forward. Embracing these responses with humility, optimism, and a healthy dose of skepticism, is so crucial for AI to mature and more safely benefitting humanity.
Uber’s incident is just one example highlighting the fact that AI development does not stop regardless. Today, self-driving technology is evolving with a renewed focus on safety to overcome such challenges. I am hopeful that Cruise as a whole will also navigate this difficulty and emerge even stronger.
I believe that when harnessed ethically and responsibly, AI possesses the transformative power to elevate every facet of our lives. Consider ChatGPT, for example. How has it impacted you this year? I wouldn’t be able to imagine a life without it, given how significantly it has improved my productivity this year. I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.
The promise of the next decade
Whether it’s a reasoning engine or self-driving cars, I imagine a world where safety standards aren’t questionable anymore, risk assessments are transparent across the industry, and performance quality is monitored real-time with such high confidence. I think we can all take a step forward in creating safer AI for all:
- Increased Scrutiny and Regulation: Policymakers and regulators can learn from all incidents, discuss and implement the need for more robust regulations governing AI.
- Enhanced Safety Measures: Companies investing in AI can implement additional safety measures, improved sensor technologies, and increased testing protocols to mitigate the risk of incidents.
- Collaboration and Information Sharing: Industry players can be more transparent in sharing information about safety standards, best practices, and technological advancements to help accelerate the deployment of safer autonomous systems.
- Public Awareness and Education: We, especially those in the field, can continue raising awareness and educating the public about the capabilities and limitations of self-driving technology to manage expectations and build trust.
My two cents: keep raising questions and concerns on AI, as they help AI leaders to be more responsible, see blindspots more clearly, and address any major issues more quickly in the age of AI adoption.
As with anything in life, there is an iterative nature to technology development, where setbacks prompt necessary improvements to ensure a safer and more reliable future. At the end of the day, AI should be used as a tool to positively transform our lives and help us become more responsible tenants of the Earth. Let me leave you with a controversial quote that I actually really like:
“AI systems are going to be an extension of our brains, in the same way cars are an extension of our legs. They are not going to replace us — they are going to amplify everything we do, augmenting our memory, giving us instant knowledge.” — Dr. Yann Lecun
Dating sucks, but it’s invaluable for self-discovery
Outside my focus on work, dating emerged as a significant learning experience this year. I’ve spent a considerable amount of time on it, which I thought would be worth sharing as it’s been a powerful avenue for self-discovery.
“This notion that you have to know yourself first — that you have to love yourself first — and then you can go be in a relationship never made sense to me. Because you [get to] know yourself through your interactions with others. We may have core characteristics, but we are shaped by the relationship in which we are. We shape the relationship, and the relationship shapes us.” — Esther Perel
Up until this year, I didn’t know if I wanted a long-term relationship. As someone who’s been through a few failed ones, lived her whole life trying to “fit 10 pounds of sugar in a 5-pound bag”, and one who highly values freedom, one thing I often felt conflicted about throughout my twenties was how a long-term partnership would fit into my list of goals and aspirations. Will I even find love if I probably won’t be living somewhere consistently in the next few years?
Phase 1: Experiments
Perhaps the best way to navigate curiosity is through experimentation. Last year, I embarked on a dating journey with two hypothetical questions in mind: (1) Do I truly want a relationship? And (2) if I do, why limit myself to just one person? Would it be more fulfilling to have multiple relationships with 3–4 men at the same time?
One question led to another and as I explored, something clicked: that a strongly compatible partnership amplifies the quality of our lives and acts like a multiplier to our core values and pre-existing happiness. Take two altruistic individuals, for example: alone, they make an impact in their communities maybe through their work or volunteering service. Together, the magnitude of their impact multiplies. On the flip side, when this multiplier turns negative, relationships often end in breakups or divorces.
With the latter inquiry, I realized that with our human tendency to subconsciously rank those most intimate to us, I found myself comparing and often knowing who I’d favor more. I don’t think this is fair to the others in the mix. Considering the energy and time invested in dating though, I conclude that one partner is enough 😄.
Phase 2: The emotional growth
After a year of exploring, I felt emotionally exhausted and grew weary of superficial connections, longing instead for more meaningful ones. Over time, casual dating not only heightened my sense of loneliness but also altered my criteria for a partner. As I grew, it shifted from superficial qualities to valuing more strength and depth of character.
A tool in the dating phase that helped me accelerate growth is therapy, which I would highly recommend to those walking in similar path. My therapist, whom I’ve admired since meeting a year ago, gently guided me to recognize my tendencies, to stay honest with myself, and to be kinder toward myself in actions and decisions. I am grateful and proud of the progress I made, now having a stronger sense of self and clearer desires.
Phase 3: Being intentional
Being kinder to myself has also transformed how I treat others and everything around me. Lets face it — dating becomes an even bigger challenge when approached intentionally. I still often feel overwhelmed, but embracing self-kindness has allowed me to be more resilient in dating. I even find it easier now to let go of things that make me suffer and to stay attuned to my feelings.
The progress doesn’t come without a few lessons learned:
“The hottest love has the coldest end.” — Socrates
- The brightest flame burns the fastest. I’ve learned to approach relationships, even in the dating phase, with a more level-headed mindset instead of chasing intense, chaotic sparks. This shift towards prioritizing consistency and peace allows me to be much more relaxed.
- There’s no need to rush figuring everything out. The more we push for answers, the less likely we are to find them. Are we seeking someone to build a life with, or just a fleeting love story? Building a meaningful connection takes time, and rushing may result in choosing a partner based on immediate needs rather than long-term compatibility.
- No response is a response. This can hurt the most but to all my ladies out there, remember this is neither the communication style nor the level of respect you want in any kind of relationships anyway. Smile that it happened, and move on ❤️🩹.
A friend once told me, the greatest feeling in the world is to love and be loved. I think it’s only true if that mutual feeling lasts. If it doesn’t happen in my lifetime, I want to be okay. I think there is beauty in waiting, and accepting if things don’t work out in our timeline. The last thing I want is to put pressure on myself or settle with a wrong person, especially when it comes to someone you’ll spend the most time with besides yourself.
Being a woman is hard, but it’s empowering
In 1949, the French philosopher Simone de Beauvoir asserted that “one is not born, but rather becomes a woman.” In her work The Second Sex, she argues that being a woman is not simply a result of biological factors but is significantly shaped by social, cultural, and historical forces. I deeply resonate with this fundamental idea, that “becoming a woman” is more than being born female, it’s an ongoing process — sometimes takes decades — of self-definition and identity formation.
To me, being a woman means challenging the historical and societal norms that narrowly define women’s worth, based on factors like marital status and age. How often have we heard that our value as a woman is heavily weighted by whether we’re married, whether we have kids, and whether our biological clock is still running? How frequently do we feel like we’re running out of time, that we won’t be able to provide as much value like men after 30's? Are we still even wanted after that. Being a woman is so complex and hard because society has long reduced us to statistics, stereotypes, and outdated expectations; but being a woman also means understanding that our value and purpose extend far beyond those narrow confines.
“It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don’t think you’re good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we’re always doing it wrong.
You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can’t ask for money because that’s crass. You have to be a boss, but you can’t be mean. You have to lead, but you can’t squash other people’s ideas. You’re supposed to love being a mother, but don’t talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people.” — Gloria’s monologue in Barbie movie (2023)
Being a woman means having the courage to express our feelings and fight for what matters to us, no matter how small or daunting. It involves being unafraid to show vulnerability, even in a world where male influence prevails. Having pursued a career in engineering for over a decade meant being trained to live and breathe with masculine energy: getting shit done, building engineering products, leading teams and predominantly interacting with men. This constant exposure to male peers used to make me question my emotional sensitivity and unintentionally suppress certain aspects of my femininity. This year, I saw it as a strength to navigate (and even lead with) femininity in a world dominated by masculinity.
Embracing feminine energy isn’t solely about constant action, but more about being and feeling, about openly receiving than always giving, and attracting than chasing. Something about being able to naturally transition between masculine (as required in a heavily male-dominated profession) and feminine energy (my preferred default mode for personal situations like dates) feels so powerful. It’s brought an incredible sense of balance into my life, allowing me to express myself fully and authentically without holding back.
Embracing femininity means slowing down and reminding myself that I have time. My artwork helps me reconnect with my emotions and inner child, untangling masculine traits and prompting a slower, more mindful pace after a long week of work. For the first time this year, I got to host my first art gallery as a painter in San Francisco, a long wild dream since I moved into this city years ago.
Being a woman means learning from all the strong women before me and being grateful for all they have done so I could be where I am today with all that I have. I want to remind every woman in my life, especially those who helped shape me to become the woman I am today—my late grandmother, my sister, my mother, my mentors and every one of my friends—how much stronger, incredibly capable, and insanely beautiful they all are, much more than they would ever think or give credit to themselves. So whether you are a woman or have one in your life, I hope you recognize and celebrate this strength and beauty, both in yourself and in her.
“[Because] ‘woman’ … enacts the feminine and exceeds the limitations of a sexist society.” — Susan Stryker on What Womanhood Means, Time Magazine
If you make it til here, thank you for reading. I hope you find some things in this article that inspire you. Either way, I’d love to hear from you down in the comment, or inbox me at moorissa dot maura at gmail dot com. If you are also on a similar journey, lets certainly connect. If you’re interested for more readings, here is my last year’s note on 2022 reflections. Cheers, & happy holidays ❤
